How I Hacked My Brain for Weight Loss and Stopped Binge Eating

The Binge Eating – Self Control Lie

Anyone who knew me between the ages of 16 and 18 could tell you that I was fat. Heck, anyone with eyes could have told you the same thing.

I was not just chubby. I was FAT. To the outside world, I probably looked like an out of control maniac who never turned down a tasty treat. And while they would have been right to assume I was an out of control manic, the truth is, I was anything but lacking in self-control.

In fact, my binge eating years were also the most restrictive eating years of my life. 90% of my eating was meticulously controlled. I counted every single calorie that went into my mouth. Not a morsel slipped past my lips that didn’t go straight into my food tracker.

So how the hell did I blow up to 200 pounds? Well, come to find out, when you eat two days’ worth of calories in that last hour of the day, it doesn’t take long to start busting at the seams.

Looking back now, I feel incredibly sad for the girl I was during this time period. She was starving her ass off most of the day, hungry and desperate to lose weight before suddenly losing control at night and derailing all her hard work in minutes. I currently weigh 60 pounds less than I did back then, yet I haven’t come close to the restrictive eating that dominated my life all those years.

I looked like a glutton, but in reality I was strong-willed and fanatically in control over the food I ate. Well, most of the time. While food had control over my life 24/7, I managed to stay in control of my eating 23 of those 24 hours. That’s right — the only reason I PHYSICALLY got fat could be condensed into a single hour of eating everything in sight.

Fat, Depressed, and Over It

When I was in the throes of binge eating, my body no longer felt like it belonged to me. Fat poured out of my clothes. My face was unrecognizable. I was humiliated, disgusted, and depressed. My daily routine consisted of self-hatred and self-abuse — the days of participating fulling in life had long passed me by.

While I wasn’t suicidal, I had officially lost my will to live. You don’t deserve to be happy. You are a disgusting piece of sh*t. No one will ever like you. I hate you. This was how I spoke to myself near the end of my eating disorder. I had nothing nice left to say.

I was pissed at myself and pissed at the well-meaning advice I would receive from friends and family. “Eat less move more!” “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!”

“I already know what to do! I just look fat!” I wanted to scream back.

Because the truth was, I did know how to lose weight. I probably knew more about dieting than most of these people combined. I was just missing the piece inside of me capable of putting it all together.

I felt frustrated and misunderstood. Hell, I didn’t even understand myself! But I knew with 100% certainty that I did not belong in this fat body. This is a mistake, I’m supposed to be thin.

Finding Hope in a Hopeless Situation

While I had NOTHING positive to say to myself during this time, the only thing that gave me hope was knowing, deep in my heart, that I was living in the wrong body. Somehow, this piece of knowledge gave me the fuel I needed to put a stop to my binge eating once and for all.

It is CRITICAL to find something — even if it’s just a fantasy in your head — to hold the space for hope while you begin healing yourself.

When you’re depressed, simply getting dressed and groomed for the day can be a huge pain in the ass. I was nowhere close to being in the right state of mind to tackle my weight issues, and I could barely keep my life together because I was so uncomfortable in my skin – not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

It was time to put the kibosh on the shit talking. I needed to stop being an asshole to myself and try to find something, ANYTHING, within me that could give me the will to overcome my eating disorder once and for all.

So I did the next best thing and starting daydreaming about how future me would look and behave. I became fixated on this vision and it took over my mind.

Future me was beautiful, confident, thin, and effortless. She didn’t obsess about food — she was too busy living her fabulous life to even notice or care that it was there!

My Muse, My Future Self

I was starting to see that there was nothing standing in my way if I wanted to become the girl of my dreams. That is, nothing except 60 pounds of fat.

It was time for shit to get real. If I was going to become this ideal version of myself, it was imperative that I ditch this extra weight FAST. And under no circumstance could I even THINK about gaining another ounce.

I hated myself too much to love myself. But now that I had created this fantasy woman in my head, I finally had something positive to work with. I respected and admired the hell out of this girl, and I needed to make this dream a reality if I ever wanted to be happy again. Just do it for her, I’d remind myself. If you binge, you’ll only push her further away.

Finding Order in my Disorder

I knew the finish line was still far away, but I also knew that I could no longer fool myself with denial. I had reached a point where avoiding my issues was becoming more painful than facing them head on.

Being fat is a total bitch on its own, but being depressed and fat is utterly devastating. It was time for me to figure out what the hell was going on.

This honest assessment of my current situation was the first key to my transformation.

Suddenly, the weight started falling off. The shadow of denial I had cast over my binge eating was beginning to reveal itself as a lie, and there was no ignoring just how detrimental these episodes were to my weight.

Create Your Muse and Change Your Life

Depression is truly just a lack of hope. It’s the feeling of disappointment in how things turned out mixed with the helplessness of not knowing what the future holds. This is what stops us from taking the next step towards happiness.

It is CRITICAL to find something — even if it’s just a fantasy in your head — to hold the space for hope while you begin healing yourself.

If you don’t have the self-love to make changes for yourself, use the vision of future you as motivation. Allow yourself to be disappointed in how things are now. Allow yourself to see your problems objectively and realistically, and figure out what fantasy “future you” would do instead.

Because once you do that, this vision can and will become your new reality.

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